Spin Cycle
Mr Toastmaster, fellow toastmasters, and guests.
Electronic appliances. I'm sure you're all familiar with hot air hand dryers.
It has always struck me as amazing, and a little frightening, that the manufacturers of such a simple device feel it necessary to provide instructions for it's use. I believe anyone who actually needs to read the instructions should be prohibited from using one; they are undoubtedly in danger of injuring themselves.
Washing machines, on the other hand, are relatively complicated devices, and are rarely, if ever, provided with ample instructions; unless you read Japanese.
I have a good understanding of most things electrical, but I have never been able to get to grips with washing machines. My one - which came all the way from planet Zanussi - lurks in the corner of the kitchen, gurgling away to itself, waiting until my back is turned before it steals any socks. Oh yes, the God of Laundrette must be appeased, and socks must be sacrificed.
And be warned, these machines cannot be fooled - your washing machine knows you - and it knows which socks are your newest, your favourite, and your most expensive. Be assured that these socks are prime candidates for sacrifice.
I make no attempts to understand my washing machine's inner workings - I just put my clothes in - whites, coloureds and hand-wash only all go in together. I discovered years ago that separating my clothes is a pointless task; the machine always sees to it that any whites-only wash is infiltrated by a badly-dyed T-shirt. Having put my clothes in I then feed it some powder, choose program number 4, as usual, and leave it alone to do it's thing. It's always a good idea to leave the room once your machine has started doing it's job. Research has proven that a washing machine steals 50% more socks if it thinks it's being watched.
All in all I think it's a good deal. With a minimum of effort I get a constant supply of clean clothes in exchange for the occasional sock.
Some years ago, in London, I moved into a newly furnished apartment with my sisters. Now this was a lovely spacious apartment, complete with new carpets, furniture, fixtures and fittings; and - of course - a brand new washing machine, which sadly had just been abandoned in the middle of the kitchen floor.
Now, I don't consider myself to be a typical 'man about the house' but when something needs to be done - I'll gladly give it a go. And so it fell to me to plumb in the washing machine.
I had a quick look and thought - no problem. There was a pipe coming out of the wall, just under the sink, marked 'Washing Machine Water Inlet'. Now what could be simpler! There was another pipe coming out of the wall; unmarked, so I assumed it to be the water outlet. So I plumbed in the pipes, shoved the machine into place and switched it on. Well, the first test wash went well - all socks cleaned and no forfeits; and so I was congratulated by my sisters for a job well done.
Some weeks later a friend was visiting and he mentioned that he'd seen sparks coming out the fusebox downstairs in the lobby. I went down to have a look but could see nothing untoward. I decided not to worry about it, maybe it was just a power surge, or a faulty fuse.
Several days later the same friend was visiting, and again reported very strange goings-on in the fusebox - this time in the form of pouring water and bubbles. There was no explanation I wished to offer, but my friend said he had an idea and disappeared into the kitchen.
A while later a muffled shout could be heard - 'What idiot plumbed the washing machine into an electrical conduit?'. Ah yes, in my wisdom I had arranged that the electrical focal point for a block of 10 flats would be treated to a daily deluge of warm, soapy water.
I suppose the most mysterious thing about this incident is that nothing blew up; but - I got the distinct impression that the washing machine was laughing at me along with everyone else.
Ever since that day I have looked at washing machines in a new light. A new whiter than white light.
These machines command respect, and if it is not given, your clothes will come out blue; which is presumably where the expression 'got the blues' comes from. So, if you hear your washing machine announce "Please leave the room, the spin cycle has begun"
;take heed.